The Fertile Void: My last blog post

Most of my life, I’ve been someone I didn’t want to be, who did things she didn’t want to do.

I didn’t understand why and I didn’t know how to change.

Through lots of therapy and reading, I came to learn that I was the way I was because of my upbringing, because of abuse and neglect and assault. These things — trauma, in other words — made me who I was, made me do the things I did, took away my control.

When I decided to take back control of my life, when I decided to heal, I thought that because I wanted to change, I would, just like that. I thought wanting was enough to stop doing things I didn’t want to do and stop being who I didn’t want to be.

But things don’t work like that. These are learned behaviors, natural responses to danger, coping mechanisms that kept me safe and sane and alive. They didn’t just disappear when I faced them. I didn’t become someone new overnight.

It started with one thing, one step. I did one thing that I wanted to do, with intention and purpose. One thing that was representative of who I wanted to be.

Then I did that one thing again. And again. All the other things stayed the same. Until I did another thing that I wanted to do. And then I had two things, I had taken two steps.

And it went on like that, until my life was more things I wanted to do than not. Until I was mostly the person I wanted to be.

I’m not completely there yet. But I’m somewhere different than I was.

Sometimes I still do things I don’t want to do. I’m still a person I don’t want to be, some days. I’ve learned to forgive myself, and quickly, for those times. They are not missteps or backslides. Every step is now one in the right direction, because I’m on a new road, a different one than the one I was on before. And I know where I’m going.

I want to thank you for coming on this journey with me. For being able to hear and see things that are uncomfortable, maddening and sorrowful. I hope being able to hold space for those things is something you want to do. I hope it’s part of who you want to be: someone who listens and feels and doesn’t turn away from pain.

I’m going now, to figure out what my life looks like now that it is my own. This is the fertile void, the culmination of my effort. I’ve planted the seeds of my life, now I wait and see what grows.

I wish you all love and healing and happiness and a life that is true to who you want to be.

Autobiography In Five Short Chapters

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

 Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit… but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

 Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

– Portia Nelson